My decision to quit drinking came after a definitive, marked turning point—but it wasn’t the type of turning point you’re probably thinking.
I had tried several “practice attempts,” which I now realize served to give me the resolve and motivation to make this change in a more sustainable way—but the ultimate shift came through a desire to seek a deeper level of growth and change. One of the common frameworks for understanding this shift is known as hitting rock bottom, but the more I learn about this concept, the more trouble I have identifying with it.
Though I had a specific turning point with my drinking, the concept of rock bottom, with all its societal depictions, does not accurately reflect my experience and might even create unhelpful standards in the world.
The notion of rock bottom paints a bleak picture. From a societal standpoint, the term brings to mind family dissolution or abuse, loss of loved ones, hospitalization or severe illness, or complete financial ruin. It suggests that we would only make the choice to stop drinking if we had nowhere lower to fall and are desperate for help. What is less often highlighted in this depiction is the invisible pain including disconnection from self and others, an overwhelming sense of apathy, or violation of personal boundaries.
What’s more, the idea of “rock bottom” is relatively vague with no clear criteria. This puts us at risk of skewing the view of our pain and minimizing the impact that alcohol is having on our lives and those around us.
For me, the impacts of my drinking were less catastrophic than what you might associate with “rock bottom,” and they took more introspection to identify. I was keeping up with the intense demands of my career, and family life, and coping the best way I knew how.
In order to keep giving my energy to others I relied on the release valve that alcohol provided. Though I can call myself lucky to have evaded many serious impacts on my life, my relationship with alcohol was certainly unhealthy and problematic.
By the standards in my friend groups and extended family, my drinking was “normal” and I was handling it as well as the next person. In fact, all of my communities, from my work colleagues to my social clubs, encouraged drinking as a way to connect. Taking this cue, I was able to overlook and justify the unhealthy behaviors in my life. With the image I had of what “problem drinking” should look like according to societal standards, my bar kept moving down. At least I wasn’t there, I could tell myself. What others couldn’t see from the outside was that I had lost connection to myself, my personal values, and who I knew myself to be. I was becoming a shell.
The erroneous concept that rock bottom is necessary to inspire change diminishes our agency and self-reflection, and consequently persuades us to violate our own boundaries, with increasing ease, around the suffering we will tolerate. If we follow our own internal wisdom, we can examine the nature of our relationship with any given substance. I made this decision to get sober so that I could live with more intention in my life again. I needed to move out of the autopilot habit of drinking and regain connection with myself and others. In my process of giving up alcohol I am not motivated by the pain; I am motivated by the rewards of living in deeper connection with myself.
