Comebacks for Lawyer Jokes

Feet of three lawyers, one wearing clown shoes

It’s every lawyer’s social nightmare: You’re at a party; you mention you’re a lawyer, and the unflattering jokes start coming non-stop. But if you object, you have no sense of humor. So do you have to just stand there and take it? Not anymore!

Comebacks for Lawyer Jokes: The Restatement of Retorts has comebacks for over 100 of the most annoying lawyer jokes commonly directed at attorneys. Now a lawyer can shut down that would-be comedian before he gets to the punchline. Here’s how it works.

Why are lawyers so good at racquetball?
Before they say: “Because they stoop so low.”
You say: “They know their way around a court.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Before they say: “No one cries when they cut up a lawyer.”
You say: “Lawyers don’t have thin skins.”

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
Before they say: “To get to the accident on the other side.”
You say: “To negotiate with the other side.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Before they say: “Nobody wants to hit a skunk.”
You say: “With a lawyer, nothing is ever black and white.”

If you believe the best defense is a good offense, Part Two contains some jokes about accountants, doctors, and all-purpose professional jokes that you can tailor to fit your crowd.

“The most important part of the book is Part Three: Jokes That Make Lawyers Look Good,” says author Malcolm Kushner. “For decades, legal pundits have anguished over the spread of lawyer jokes that perpetuate the stereotype of lawyers as rich, vain, greedy and arrogant. One state bar president even wanted them labeled as hate speech. So what’s the solution? Start telling jokes that emphasize positive lawyer traits — pro bono work, public interest, public service, etc.” Here’s an example:

The stick-up
Did you hear about the mugger who held up a public interest lawyer? The mugger said, “Your money or your life.” The lawyer said, “Sorry, I’m a public interest lawyer. I don’t have either.”

Kushner is a Wisconsin-based attorney and expert on humor and communication. In addition to Comebacks for Lawyer JokesHe authored Public Speaking for Dummies and Presentations for Dummies. He gives speeches and workshops at corporate and association meetings on how to use humor to command attention, create rapport, defuse conflict and motivate people. He has appeared on CNN, National Public Radio, CNBC, Voice of America and The Larry King Show. You can contact him at

6 thoughts on “Comebacks for Lawyer Jokes

  1. Tim Clark

    Every profession has individuals that earn the public’s dislike. Many professions have earned it much more so than lawyers. Insurance industry, Wall Street, venture capitalists all come to mind. I like the push back on lawyer jokes and think it is about time.

  2. John Schedler

    My father (a lawyer for 39 years) advised: “so long as lawyers do hateful things, people will hate lawyers.” My own 37 years at this confirms his view that lawyers largely earn the public’s dislike. My suggestion is to can the comebacks and laugh sympathetically.

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