Clients Say the Darnedest Things

say what?

Over the last year, I’ve been keeping a record of quotes from my clients, some speakers, and some of my colleagues. I warn everyone that the language can be colorful, but enjoy.

Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”
Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come pick it up in person?”
Me: “You’re in Walla Walla and it’s an eight-hour drive…”
Client: “It’s a nice drive, though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you tomorrow!”

“Hey, honey, I spoke to my estate planner and he told me we should go do a couple of SLUTS before the end of the year.” (Spousal Living Unity Trust)

Judge: (sniffing) “What’s that smell? Sir, did you defecate in your pants? No, sir, I know it’s you, we’ve been through this.”

“Per stirrups? We don’t own horses anymore.”

Me: “I noticed you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”
Client: “We haven’t received an invoice.”
Me: ”Then how did a check with your signature show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? I appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about $75 short of the payment due.”
Client: ”You know this is a church. We don’t have to pay taxes, and you realize you go to hell for lying, right?”
Me: “Well, if you check the invoice, there is no sales tax applied. And you realize people go to hell for theft too, correct?”

“My oldest brother falsified the deed to my mother’s house, sold it, and distributed the money amongst themselves. My brother thinks we’re so stupid. Well, if I’m so stupid, then how the hell did we find out?”

“She needs to man up and act like a woman.”

An officer during a drunk driving arrest: “Have you been drinking? I asked you for your license. Why did you just hand me your credit card?”
Client: “Sorry, I have a girlfriend, it’s habit.”

“It’s medicinal.”

My first consultation with a client:
Client: “Oh, this bankruptcy stuff is so confusing, and you’re so nice too – I’m so glad I found you! I’ll be the best client ever, I promise!”
Me: “I’m glad I can help.”
Client: “Do you want to have babies?”
Me: “Uh, excuse me?”
Client: “My daughter is single, she’s super cute, and I think you’d get along great. She’s into art and really likes dogs. And she seriously wants kids. I can hook you guys up, seriously.”

Me: “Well, sir, the total for your estate plan, gift plan, and ILIT is $530, plus $30 for the notary.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a new attorney was to get something cheap, plus help you out with experience. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.” (his grammar – not a typo)
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your wife, who insisted on multiple revisions to the testamentary trust provisions, and you ended up with a plan that was very complex. This same thing might have cost you 10 times the amount I’m charging you. I think it’s a great deal.”
Client: “I highly doubt that. It’s just words. Plus, our satisfaction has nothing to do with the amount we pay you. I’ll send you a check for what I think is fair.”

(I got a check for 100 bucks. With “here you go asshole” written in the memo.)

Fellow Attorney: Thanks for helping me design this, I really appreciate it. But I showed this logo to my daughter and she didn’t like it.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Friend: Five.
Me: But your target clients are drug dealers.
Friend: Right.

What’s your zaniest client quote from 2012? Share it in the comments!

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