Online Dating for Lawyers: Success Guaranteed!*
Like most attorneys, I went to law school to impress women. My plan worked; I successfully tricked a lovely woman into becoming my wife and having two amazing daughters with me. (Can you believe it? I still pinch myself each morning.)
But maybe you haven’t been this lucky yet. Good news: Online dating websites and apps are surefire methods to help workaholics land that special someone. Whether you’re swiping right on Tinder or making a match on eHarmony, there are some universal rules for the game of online dating. Fortunately for you, I’m here to offer some helpful advice. Let’s get started.
First things first — your profile picture. I know what you’re thinking: “My abs look great. I’m going to post a close-up of my abs.” And you’re right! Using a picture of your rock-hard abs is indeed the best kind of profile picture possible. But most attorneys look less like Bradley Cooper and more like a young Meatloaf circa 1976. In that case, when selecting a profile picture, you should use a trick I call “hide the ball” and post a picture of yourself within a large group of attractive people, preferably taken from a distance and/or at night. Hopefully, potential mates will assume you’re one of the better-looking individuals.
Next, your username. Dr. Sameer Chaudhry, of University of North Texas in Dallas, and Khalid Khan, of Queen Mary University of London, sought the secrets of succeeding online by aggregating scientific data compiled from studies specifically focused on online dating. They concluded that successful online daters have “interesting” usernames that start with a letter from the first half of the alphabet (A–M) and don’t include negative phrases like “Cat Poop” or “Gerbil Spit.”
The takeaway from these deductions is obvious: Use a screen name that includes A’s and memorable phrases. Consider names like “Angleclink_Brunkleton” or “Boonpatch_Cribblebottom” and avoid usernames like “Zerb_the_UnderLord” and “Sad_and_Lonely_In_Lynnwood.” Online daters are smart, so you will need to go all the way and legally change your name to whatever username you select.
Next, you’ll need to focus on your written profile. If you’re like me, beneath your pudgy exterior is a gigantic lack of personality. Don’t worry. When writing an online profile, it’s important that you make everything up! Fact: 99% of relationships begin on a foundation of fabrications — and the 1% that don’t fail within the first two weeks.
For example, if you’re using an online dating website, you’re probably unemployed. If that’s the case, then instead of putting “zilch” for your income, write “billionaire trust fund baby.” By the time the truth is discovered, you and your significant other will already be locked in a six-year lease contract and staying together will be easier than trying to find a new place to live. (Especially if you live on Capitol Hill in Seattle.)
Once you make a connection, you’ll need to initiate contact with your future spouse. The guiding principle during this phase is to make the other person feel special. For example, we all know a generic message like “’Sup?” will assuredly land you a phone number. But if you want the relationship to last, write a more intimate, personal message, such as “Sup, gurrrl? You special!”
If you still have unanswered questions, look to the 1980s for answers. Although online dating was underutilized during that decade, experts believe that the era’s superior dating advice holds true across all social situations from online chat room to discotheque.
- Ladies, the 1984 dating manual written by Stacy Rubis entitled How to Be Popular With Boys offers this advice: “Do you know the one quality boys can’t resist? It’s innocence.” If it’s too late for that, at least you can be well-groomed. “Don’t take any chances when getting ready in the morning. Always put effort into looking good. Effort, plain effort, is often the only real difference between average and stunning girls.”
- And gentlemen, never forget the sage guidance offered by Van Halen, in the song “Why Can’t This Be Love?” featuring that romantic crooner Sammy Hagar. “Hey, only fools rush in and only time will tell/if we stand the test of time/All I know/you’ve got to run to win and I’ll be damned if/I’ll get hung up on the line.” Enough said.
I’ve listed some links to online dating websites that cater to lawyers and working professionals, so there’s no excuse not to start right now. Get out there and find lawyerly love this summer, Awesome_Abs_Attorney_Seeks_Same!
(*not actually guaranteed)