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December 20, 2013

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Friday 5: Perfect Holiday Gifts for Lawyers (If Only They Existed)

by contributor
st. nick
Have a laugh with NWLawyer editor Michael Heatherly’s wonderfully fake gift list.

st. nickHaving trouble deciding on a holiday gift for that lawyer on your shopping list? Well, you’re still going to have trouble, because the following gifts don’t even exist (as far as I know). But I wish they did.

CLE Credit Generator

This device sits unobtrusively on your desk and generates 1.25 CLE credits per month, just enough to fulfill the requirements for your three-year reporting cycle. Equipped with Bluetooth and USB, it automatically uploads the credits directly to your MCLE record. (System requirements: 1) Windows or Mac device with Bluetooth or USB connectivity; 2) two AA batteries, not included; 3) extreme gullibility. $399.99 from http://www.shadyshortcuts.com)

The Perfect Client

The Perfect Client sits unobtrusively in the corner of your office and provides encouraging, complimentary input throughout the day (e.g. “Wow, you’re a great lawyer,” “Your fees are kinda high, but you’re worth it,” “Don’t worry, there’s no rush,” and “I’m going to refer all my friends to you.”) The Perfect Client immediately answers all your phone and email messages but never contacts you first. The Perfect Client is glad when you leave the office early or take a long vacation, because the Perfect Client knows you will return refreshed and ready to do even more outstanding work. (Inflatable; pump and patch kit included. $449.99 from http://www.lawyerdreams.com)

The Law Suit

Prefer to dress casually at the office, but never know when you might have to run to court or meet with someone you need to impress? The Law Suit has you covered. Resembling a high-quality Italian wool business suit, the Law Suit is actually a one-piece coverall that fits over your ripped jeans and Metallica t-shirt. Comes complete with integrated necktie or scarf and matching pocket square. (Available in men’s and women’s styles, all sizes. Vest optional. Shoe covers sold separately.  $599.99 from http://www.aintnoarmani.com)

The Perfect Case

From lawyerdreams.com, maker of Perfect Client, Perfect Case is a fully customizable appellate opinion just waiting for you to fill in the facts and law you need to win your case, whatever it might be! Use it for motions, trial briefs, and appeals. Perfect Case contains holdings that expressly support your position on all issues and overrule any prior contradictory law. Available for all state and federal appellate courts. (Specify jurisdiction, year and general area of law desired. In PDF and MS Word formats. $795 from www.lawyerdreams.com)

Lawyer Glass

Patterned after Google Glass, Lawyer Glass is an eyewear-based application designed specifically for lawyers. A fashionable frame and lenses incorporate a visual display that can be customized to show the data you need at the moment, including billable hours worked so far this month, the name of the client/staff member you’re talking to, the facts of that case you forgot as soon as the judge asked you about it, and directions to the nearest Starbucks. Optical features can be modified as well; make the judge look like a little penguin, or put a Snidely Whiplash mustache on opposing counsel. ($999.99 from eyeseewhatyoudidthere.com)

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