September 21–27 is Banned Books Week, an annual event that highlights the freedom to read and the harms of censorship.
The ALA Office for Intellectual Freedom has been collecting data on banned books since 1990. Each year, the Office compiles a list of the top 10 most frequently challenged books. From 2000–09, 5,099 challenges were reported to the Office for Intellectual Freedom. It is estimated that for each challenge reported, four or five challenges go unreported.
Book banning falls under the First Amendment, as restricting access to books can lead to the censorship of ideas. Most incidents of book banning occur at a local level in public schools and libraries. Books are challenged because they contain profanity or violence, sex or sex education, homosexuality, witchcraft and the occult, portrayals of rebellious children, or racist or sexist language.
It is interesting to note that many of the same books are continuously challenged year after year. Classics such as To Kill a Mockingbird and The Catcher in the Rye have been targets of numerous ban attempts, as well as contemporary young adult series such as The Hunger Games and Harry Potter books. Here are five notable cases involving banned books.
Board of Education v. Pico, 457 U.S. 853 (1982)
In 1975, members of the school board from the Island Trees School District ordered that certain books be removed from high school and junior high school libraries on the grounds that the books were “anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, and just plain filthy.” Some of the books to be removed were Slaughterhouse Five, Best Short Stories of Negro Writers, Go Ask Alice, and Down These Mean Streets. A high school student named Steven Pico led a group of students who sued the board, claiming a denial of their First Amendment rights. The case made its way to the Supreme Court, where a closely divided Court ruled 5 to 4 in favor of the students. Writing for the plurality, Justice Brennan held that the First Amendment includes the right to read library books of a student’s choosing and that while school officials have significant authority to control the content of speech in schools, that power is not absolute. Additionally, local school boards may not remove books from school library shelves simply because they dislike the ideas contained in those books.
Case v. Unified School District No. 233, 908 F.Supp. 864 (D. Kan. 1995)
The Olathe, Kansas School Board voted to remove the book Annie on My Mind from junior and senior high school libraries because the novel illustrates a lesbian relationship between two teenagers. Although the school board testified they had removed the book because of “educational unsuitability,” the federal court found that the school board violated the students’ First Amendment rights. The court found that the school board actually objected to the book’s premise and ideology and overturned the book’s removal.
Minarcini v. Strongsville City School District, 541 F.2d 577 (6th Cir. 1976)
In 1972, the Strongsville City School District refused to approve faculty recommendations to use Catch-22 and God Bless You Mr. Rosewater as textbooks. Further, they ordered that Catch-22, along with Cat’s Cradle, be removed from the school library. The court held that the school board did not have the right to remove books from the library. The court reasoned that the “library is a storehouse of knowledge” and students have a First Amendment right to receive information and the librarian has a right to disseminate it.
Counts v. Cedarville School District, 295 F.Supp.2d 996 (W.D. Ark. 2003)
The school board of Arkansas’s Cedarville School District voted to restrict students’ access to the Harry Potter series citing that the books include witchcraft and the occult and also encourage disobedience and disrespect for authority. As a result, students had to obtain a signed permission slip from their parents or guardians before they were allowed to take out any of the Harry Potter books from school libraries. The district court stated that the restrictions violated students’ First Amendment rights to read and receive information and overturned the school board’s decision. The court noted that the school board could not abridge students’ right to read a book because they disagreed with the ideas contained in the book.
Mozert v. Hawkins County Board of Education, 827 F.2d 1058 (6th Cir. 1987)
Parents and students, upset about religious themes being taught in the required reading of classes, brought this action challenging the textbooks being used in class. Specifically, the mention of telekinetic and magical powers offended the religious beliefs of the parents and the parents felt they had a right to choose what their children could or could not view and learn at school. The court held that the school board was not in violation for the required reading and that it was up to the children and parents to interpret the books for themselves. The court held that it was merely required reading and not required worship and that the reading was purely the views of another.
Material for this article came from the American Library Association Banned and Challenged Books website and the American Library Association Notable First Amendment Court Cases website.
Shanna Lisberg. Shanna is an attorney who lives and works in Seattle. You can find her most weekends at either the bookstore or library, adding books to her neverending to-read pile.
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leah
im trying to do a research project…
jrfrioes
Rodrick : (whispering) Greg?
Greg : (groggily) Hmmm
Rodrick : Greeeegg… (in song)
Greg : What?
Rodrick : Gregg!!!
Greg : Huh! what?
Rodrick : What are you doing? Get up!
Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour. You are about to late for your first day of middle school.
Greg : What?
Oh, geez! How did that happen?
Rodrick : Go, go, go!
Mom’s about to flip out! She sent me to get you while she waits in the car!
Frank : (exclaims) What are you doing?
What’s going on?
Greg : Getting ready for… school.
Frank : Are you insane?
School doesn’t start till next week. And, FYI, school doesn’t start at 4:00 in the morning!
You woke up Manny. And if he does not go back down..Good morning!
Susan : There is no way he is going back down. I just wanted to sleep till 6.00
Manny : Bubby!
Frank : Go to bed. I got him.
Susan : Greg, what are you doing up making all this noise?
Greg : It was Rodrick! He woke me up! He changed my clock!
Rodrick : (snoring)
Greg : But I swear, he was just..
Susan : Go to bed.
Frank : What is that smell? I can’t identify it.
—-~*~—
Greg: “Okay, first of all, let me get this straight: this is a JOURNAL not a diary.”
“Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I spesifically told her not to get me a book that said “DIARY” on it. This just proves that Mom doesn’t understand anything about kid my age. If I walk into my first day of middle school carrying this book around, I might as well be wearing a sign that says “punch me”!
THE CARTOON DRAWING FROM THE BOOK OF THE BULLY DISCOVERING GREG’S DIARY. The drawing becomes animated: the bully punches Greg, sending him and the “diary” flying.THE
Bully: Sissy!
BACK ON GREG
Greg : “The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because one day when I’m rich and famous I’ll have better things to do than answer peoples’ stupid questions all day long.
INSERT SHOT: THE CARTOON DRAWING FROM THE BOOK OF GREG AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE.
The drawing becomes animated as reporters shout questions at Greg.
Male Reporter : Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!
Female Reporter : Were you always so smart and handsome?
Greg : (waves his journal at them).
Greg : Here is my journal. Now, shoo, shoo.
Susan : That’s our boy.
Frank : Why did I ever say no to him?
BACK TO GREG
Greg : Mom got me this thing so i could write down my feelings about starting middle school. But i’m gonna be fine.
It’s my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I’m worried about. He’s definitely not middle school ready.
Rowley : Geronimo! (whoops)
Greg : He’s not quite clear on the concept of growing up.
Rowley : I want a puppy, a kitty, a gumball machine…
Greg : But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley. I always figured the’d make a movie about my life. But I didn’t think the’d start the story here.
Because, seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who’s stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons
—-~*~—
Rodrick : Three days, no shower, smell the love!
Greg : Let me go, Rodrick!
Rodrick : Come on we’re having just some fun, right?
No, okay. So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. And it’s real simple.
Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t look at anyone. Don’t go anywhere.
Don’t sit down. Don’t raise your hand. Don’t go to bathroom.
Don’t get noticed. Don’t choose the wrong locker. Don’t… who am I kidding? You’ll be dead or home schooled by the end of the year, anyway.
And don’t be seen with Rowley,
—-~*~—
Manny : (exclaiming)
Greg : Manny stop it!,
Moom.. I think it’s gross and undegnified that i have to eat breakfast next to him on the potty
Mommy : okey well It was your fault he is still potty training
Greg: Don’t look down Manny, the potty monster doesn’t like it when you look at him
Manny : (Looks down and scream loudly)
Greg : I was joking with him.
Susan : Okay. Kiss him you’re sorry and then let’s get a move on. Can’t be late for your first day of school.
—~*~—
SCHOOL BELL RINGING
Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented. You hot kids like me who haven’t hit their growth spurt yet. Mixed in with gorillas who have to shave twice a day. There is juvenile delinquents and weirdos. I’m smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school..
Chirag: Give it back! Stop!
So thank God for Chirag Gupta.
Chirag : it is mine! Stop!
Boys : Can I have the backpack?
You got to jump higher. It’s not yours!
He is an excelent buffer between me and these morons.
Boy : Hey, Greg
Greg : Hey, fellow!
Seriously, I don’t know what happened to these kids over the Summer. Was there a nuclear accident? Science experiment gone bad? Thank God there are few normal people or this place would be total freak show.if you’re as discrimanting as I am, It can be tough to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school. One bad move, And you’re stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year.
Rowley : Greg!
Remember how I said Rowley wasn’t middle school ready?well there you go.
Rowley : Holla amigos (speak spanish)
Greg : What are you wearing?
Rowley : My family just got back from Guatemala: It’s my serape! Nice, huh?
Greg : (silent)
TEACHER IS COMING
Mrs. Flint : All right, class. I’m Mrs. Flint. Everybody take your seats!
Welcome to your first day of middle school. Remember your seats.
You will be sitting here everyday.
—~*~—
Greg : Rowley, if you had to say were you were ranked in terms of popularity from one to 200,
where would you put yourself?
Rowley : is 200 good or bad?
Greg : I’d say you’re somewhere around the 154 mark. I’d put myself around number 19 or 20.
I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year, if things go the way I think they will.
Rowley : Well, who’s at the bottom?
Fregley : Hey guys wanna see my secret freckle?
Greg & Rowney : Eewww (groan)
Fregley. Sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.
Fregley: Check it out! It is got a hair in it!
Rowney : What colour is that?
Fregley : You wanna help me name it?
TEACHER IS COMING
Mr. Malone : All right ladies, gather around! Come on, put the knitting down! Let’s go! Alll right everybody, I’m coach Malone and I am your gym teacher.
P.E. is as much a part of my life as waking up in the morning and going to the bathroom.
I live and breathe physical education. Now, who’s with me? Are you ready to have some fun out there?
Rowley : Yeah..
Mr. Malone : All right, outstanding!
So we’re gonna divide you up into two teams. So you two, over here. You, you, you this way.
Yeah, you three, this side. Good.
You guys are going to be shirts! And you will be skins.
Greg : Why are we skins? I hate this.
Chirag : He’s just trying to make kids like us feel bad.
Greg : What do you mean kids like us?
I just don’t want to get a sunburn right, Rowley?
Rowley : (in robotic voice) My name is bell e, button. What’s yours?
Mr. Malone : Okay, let’s start off with a little game I like to call gladiator.
Boy 1 : I got this one!
Boy 2 : No!
Boy 3 : Take that!
Chirag : Cover me!
Rowley : Oh God!
Rowley & Greg : (run in opposite way)
Chirag : Not good!
Rowley : We’re never going to be able to outrun these guys!
Greg : We don’t have to outrun them!
We just have to outrun Chirag!
Rowley : Think they saw us?
Greg : No way. They were focused on getting that kid with the limp..
We’ll hide here for the rest of the class. Because i’m not playing that game. It is not fair.
He’s got all the Neanderthals on the same team. Its barbaric!
Angie : It’s completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland.
But, you know, it’s nice to meet someone who more interested in his mind than in his body.
Rowley : You girls get to jump rope. What are you doing hiding?
Angie : Avoiding the pain.it all starts in middle school, you know?
You are not a kid anymore. The coddling has stopped. Kids are now separated by intelligence.
The weak are picked on. And girls you’ve known since kindergarten won’t even talk to you anymore.
Greg : Okey, well, sounds like you got it all figured out, so go back to your book.
Angie: (keep silent) ignoring.
This place is a glorified holding pen.
Mr. Malone : All the way! All the way! You’re like a machine!
Angie : Tt’s where adults put you as you make that awkward transition between child and teenager So they don’t even have to look at you. Hi. I’m angie.
Greg : Great story. We’re gonna go now.
Rowley : Why? This is a good spot.
Angie : It is a perfect spot. I survived all of the sixth grade here. And I would enjoy some like-minded company to get me through the seventh.
Greg : Is that the whistle? Oh I think i hear the whistle. We need to go.
Rowley: (following Greg)
Mr. Malone : No showboating, all right?
Rowley : Why are we leaving? We could get killed out here in the open!
Greg : Put your shirt on. They’ll think we’re on their team. Besides, getting crushed is better than being seen with that freak job. Trust me, you can’t recover fom social suicide.
Rowley : I never talked to a girl that long before.
Greg : Wow, check that out!
Rowley : (look at the cheese) is that cheese?
Chirag : Stop!! Good god, man! You almost got the cheese touch.
Rowley and Greg : (feeling surprised)
Greg : The what?
Chirag : Nobody knows when or how, but ine day that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.
Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it. Nobody threw it away. And so there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day.
Then one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life.
Girl : Darren touched the cheese!
Darren : No, I didn’t! I just looked at it! Really!
Chirag : Darren had the cheese touch! It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. The only way to get rid of the cheese touch was by passing it on someone else.
And so began the cheese touch frenzy. Friend turning on friend. Brother turning on sister. It was madness. Until a German exchange student named Dieter Muller took it away.
Boy : Dieter has the cheese touch!
Chirag : Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully, he moved back to Dusseldorf and took the cheese touch with him.
And so the cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim.
Rowley and Greg : Wooow
Chirag : this is a terrible place.
—~*~—
Rowley : No doors?
Greg : No. I’m not pooping until I’m in high school.
The cafetaria possibly the cruelest place on earth. But I was about to make some kid’s day by sitting next to him.
Greg and Rowney: (stand and bring tray of meal the other friend realise that they want to sit)
Boys 1: That seats is saved.
Greg : For who?
Boys 1: It is saved. That one is saved too
Girl 1: So not happening
Girl 2: Uh,, uh-huh
Boys 2: Taken
Rowley : Where are we suppose to eat?
Fregley : I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out.
—~*~—
Fregley must have bumped his head when he was little, like really hard. Okay, Okay
So my first day could have gone better, but at least i wasn’t humiliated.
—~*~—
Rowney : Hey Greg, wanna come over and play?
Greg : (feeling surprised and then look back)
Quentin : What did he just say to you?
Greg : Oh, I think my ride is here
Quentin : hey guys, so this guys says to that guy “you wanna come over and play?”
Rowney: Yeah, do you guys wanna play with us?
—~*~—
See, this is the problem. Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in 20 years, Quentin here will be working for me.
Quentin : Greg, please don’t fire me. I really need my measly, pathetic job scooping your dog’s poop.
Greg : Whatever. I’ll think about it.
No, no, no. Vanilla on the bottom and chocolate on the top! I can’t even eat this!
—~*~—
Greg : ‘Play’ rowley, ‘play’?
I’ve told you like a billion times that the guys in our age say “hang out”, not “play”
Rowley : Oops
Greg : Seriously, if you’re not gonna listen to me, just tell me because if you pull another stunt like that, we’ll be stuck on the cafetaria floor for the rest of middle school.
Rowley : I found half a snickers bar down there.
Greg : I can’t be the Guy who eats off his lap in cafetaria. I should be at the top of the food chain by now. Something’s got to change, fast.
Rowley : My mom told me to just be myself and people woud like me.
Greg : That would be good advice if you were somebody else.
Rodrick : Hey, little brother. Was your first day as crappy as i said it would be?
Greg : No. Not at aall. You were wrong. It was actually that..
Rowley : Worse.
Rodrick : You didn’t listen to me, did you?
I told you not to talk. Look or go anywhere, and what happened?
Rowley : He had to eat his lunch on the floor.
Greg : Rowley!
Rodrick : Perfect!
And if nobody wants you sitting at their table, you think they want chummy buttons over here?
I was right. You’re not even gonna make it out of there alive.
The only chance you have of making the yearbook is when they dedicated it to your memory.
Rowney : So, you wanna play twisted wizard?
Greg : No I have a better idea
—~*~—
Rowley : If he catches you in here, he will kill you. Literarry, kill you.
Greg : Don’t worry. As long as we hear the music, we’re okay.
Rowley : Wow I didn’t know Rodrick was into motorcycles.
Greg : I found it.
Rowley : Found what?
Greg : Rodrick’s middle school yearbook. This thing holds all the answers.
Rowley, this thing is like a bible.
See this? This is where a person like me needs to be. The class favourite.
They’re the best in their class. These people aren’t nobodies. They are famous. They don’t have to worry about getting a seat in the cafetaria, either.Check this out, there’s tons of thIngs I qualify for.
“Most likely to succeed”, “Best looking”, “class clown”. They should just give that to me right now.
Rowley : Don’t you have to be funny for that?
Hey! We could try for cutest friends!
Rodrick : What did I tell you would happen if you ever went in my room again?
Rowley : But your band is still playing.
Rodrick : It’s the bass solo, turd burglar!
Don’t you know anything about music?
Now, I came here to get a new drumstick, and Now, Greg, since mom and dad are gone, I’m going to kill you. Literarry kill you!
Rowley : I told you.
Rodrick: Beat it!
Rowley: Okay, but I just want to say one thing! Run, Greg, run!
Rodrick: What! Let go, baby hippo!
—~*~—
Rodrick : (laughing) You’re gonna have to come out sometime, loser!
I’ll wait here as long as it takes. And then, you’re dead.
Greg : Time out rodrick, i have to pee
Rodrick: No time outs, only death!
Greg : But i really have to go
Rodrick : I don’t care
—~*~—
Greg : Move over, i’m dying
Manny: (surprise and shouts)
Rodrick : Got you!
AND THEN GREG PEE ON RODRICK, BOTH OF THEM SCREAM LOUDLY
Susan : Greg, did you throw Manny off his… What is going on?
Rodrick : Greg started it. I just came in here to take a shower
Greg : He’s lying! He was gonna kill me ‘cause I was in his room!
Susan : And you pee on him?
Greg : Yes, I mean no, I mean..
Rodrick : Yess!
—~*~—
Rowley: Wow there are a lot to sign up for. You could be class favourite in a bunch of thing. Jazz dancing, we could do that one together.
Greg : I can’t believe all these activities. They are all so much work.
Staying after school, meeting before s chool, on weekends.
What kind of extracurricular activities are these?
Patty : Out of my way!
Greg & Rowley: (not respond)
Patty : Who let you into school, Greg Heffley?
Greg : I was thinking the same thing about you, Patty Farrel.
Patty : You listen to me, Greg Heffley.
I’m running for president and i’m warning you, If you get in my way, i will beat you up, just like i did in kindergarten and fourth grade.
Rowley : Fourth frade? That one was ugly.
Greg : What’s her problem? What did I ever do to her?
FLASHBACK
Little Greg : Patty, Patty is a fatty, has a face just like a ratty!
Little patty : (crying)
—~*~—
Greg : Come on, that was pretty funny.
She needs to get a sense of humor.
And i need something to make me a class favourite.
Angie: What about class favourites?
Greg : Don’t u ever say “hi” or hello before you start talking?
Rowley : Hi
Girl : Hello
Rowley :Oh, Greg is only here because he really wants to be something..
Greg : Rowley!! (shows the mimic which tell Rowley to shut up).
I was just saying that i would really like to nail these people because it is so obvious that they are only doing these activities to get in the yearbook.
Angie : You know, i really like your point of view, you should sign up to the school paper. We are the voice of people. Well, people are mostly idiots, so I guess technically speaking.
We are the voice of the people, making fun of the people.
Greg : Thanks but i can’t be on the paper because i am gonna be in the paper a lot.
So, that would be a conflict of interest.
Angie : You’re the people, got it.
Greg : Do you believe me now? That girl is crazzy town.
Rowley: Look, they have wrestling!
Greg : That’s it! I’m great at wrestling. I’ve watched it for years, I know all the moves. Tombstone piledriver. Chair shot. Vader bomb.
Audience : Heffley! Heffley! Heffley!
—~*~—
Greg : Okay. Something is very wrong here.
Rowley : These don’t look like wrestling costumes to me.
Mr. Malone : Welcome to wrestling, you future olympians! So, just to make sure we all get off on the right foot and nobody gets seriously injured,
We’re gonna teach you a few basic moves. Remember, this is about learning the sport and having fun!
All right. It’s not a competition because everyone here is already a superstar to me. Coach brewer, can you step over hee for a moment,
That’s known as a speed takedown. Nice job, coach brewer.
Can you gey up and come behind me?
Put one arm over my shoulder? Let’s go, yeah. You got it, walk it off, come on. That was known as the arm drag.
Let’s give coach brewer a hand, everybody! He is fine Yeah, Heffley.
Greg : what about piledrivers and vader bomb?
Mr. Malone : That is fake wrestling.
This is real wrestling! Let’s go!
Greg : If I have to wrestle Benny wells, he’ll kill me!
Mr malone : Let’s move! Come on!
Okay, to keep this fair, i’ve divided you into weight categories by your size. So rottweilers over here. Bulldogs, you stay right there. And we got two cihuahua. Yes
Greg : Nice head gear.
Fregley : Thanks. My mom let me borrow it.
Mr malone : All right, let’s see what you got.
Greg : Don’t worry, Fregley, I’ll take it easy on you.
Fregley : (exclaiming and push Greg down)
Greg : Hey, I wasn’t ready.
Mr. Malone : Nobody’s keeping score, but that was a sweet speed takedown, Fregley!
Fregley : This is fun Greg Heffley
All : Fregley! Fregley! Fregley!
Greg : Blow the whistle, blow the whistle!
Mr Malone : (blow the whistle)All right! Fregley! Outstanding! And let’s.. let’s hear it for our other winner.
Rowley : (clapping his hand and scream loudly)
—~*~—
Greg : I can’t lose to Fregley again.
If I get beat by the weirdest kid in school, nobody’s ever gonna let me sit at their table.
Rowley : How are you going to beat him?
It’s like he had superhuman strength!
Greg : I’m not gonna beat him. I’m gonna gain 10 pounds this week. Then you and I can wrestle each other. Ready?
Rowney : Can i throw at you now?
Greg : Later. You’re better at riding than i am, and i’m a better thrower.
—~*~—
IN THE DINNER TABLE
Susan : Greg, save some for ecerybody else, honey.
Greg : I can’t, i need to bulk up
Susan : why? I think your body looks beautiful just the way it is.
Rodrick : I heard he got his butt kicked at wrestling. Now what is wrong with you? Why would you sign up for something you don’t have to do?
Frank : You signed up for wrestling?
Greg : Kind of.
Rodrick : You never sign up for anything at school. You fly below the radar.
That way you never raise anyone’s expectations.
Frank : Thank you, Rodrick, for those words of motivational wisdom, but perhaps a better way to look at it is that is a chance to learn to excel at something
Rodrick : Well, what could I learn at school that I can’t teach myself?
Frank : Well, Greg, I think it’s great that you took the initiative to learn something new. This is like the first step to responsibilty! My boss’s son will was smaller than you, but he built himself up with the weights!
Yeah. We could get you the same equipment. You could train, get the r ight nutrition, Cardio. You’d be in tip- top shape just like will. And it would only take, like three months.
Greg : Three months?
Frank : Yeah
Greg : I’ll just stick in eating
—~*~—
Mr. Malone : Well, I don’t know where you put it, Heffley. But you gained 10 pounds and joined the bulldog class.
Greg : Yes.
Rowley : I thought you didn’t gain any weight this week.
Greg : My mom’s ankle weights.
Mr. Malone : All right, Bull dog Heffley. Meet your new opponent.
Greg : What? But this is boy’s wrestling.
Patty : Ever hear of title six?
Mr Malone : Her parents threatenes to sue.
So you show her what it’s like to wrestle a real live boy.
Patty: Come on, what you waiting for,huh?
Greg : (silent)
Patty: Don’t be such a wuss, Heffley.
Make your move!
Greg: (silent) She is a girl!
Where do i grab her?
Patty : Stay down!
Anggie : Patty, over here! (taking a picture)
Greg : Get off me!
Paty : (ignore him) Can i wrestle somebody good now?
—~*~—
Angie : Well, look who’s inthe paper.
Rowley : Greg! You’re Famous!
Right on the front page!
—~*~—
Greg : And if I would have pinned her, which I could have easily,
You know I would have gotten in trouble for hurting a girl.
Rowley : Why does she even want to wrestle?
Greg : Who knows? Girls are very confusing.
Like today, I heard someone in the hallway say that Brysce Anderson has a cute butt.
What does that even mean?
Rowley : A butt can’t be cute. It’s a butt
Greg : I know, but that’s what they were saying. I don’t see why girls our age can’t talk just like regular people.
Rowley : So how are you gonna become a class favorite now?
Greg : Two words. Best dressed.
Rowley : How are you going to do that?
Greg : Fashion is easy. You wear a shirt and a tie, and kids are impressed.
I’m telling you, this is gonna work.
—~*~—
Rowley : Ta-da!
Greg : I told you I was wearing this.
Rowley : I know. I wanted to be matchers!
Boy : Check them out!
All students : (singing) Greg and Rowley sitting in the tree. They are kissing. First come love..
You know, maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley. Maybe I do need a new bestfriend. But I can’t just ditch him. I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I’d love to hear it.
—~*~—
VIDEO PLAY: in this school much lke you own, one boy is about to learn an important lesson. About self-worth and esteem.
Girl in the video : Gag me with a spoon. That guy is so unpouplar, I’d hate to be him. Eww
Boy in the video : Why doesn’t anybody like me?
Brock : Maybe because they don’t know how awesome you really are.
Boy in the video : Brock Branigan P.i! what are you doing here?
Brock : I’m here to solve the case of the boy who just needed to be himself.
So go for it! Show then how awesome you really are!
Boy in the video : Hey guys, do you like break dancing?
Girl in the video : That is totally rad!
Other boy in the video : Wicked. You should sit with us at lunch, friend.
Boy in the video : Sweet! It really is awesome to be me! Thanks, Brock
—~*~—
Teacher : Okay. Let’s talk about what we’ve learned.
I don’t know about what I learned. It is awesome to be me. The problem with Rowley is that he’s not enough like me. I can’t ditch him ‘cause he’d be lost without me. But maybe I can fix him. Because that’s the kind of friend I am.
Rowley : What are you doing?
Greg : Making your clothes more middle- school friendly. Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird. Too “ why don’t you just punch me now?”
What are you, a foreign exchange student? Oh man this one, we burn.
Rowley : That was a present from my mom.
Greg : Well then your mom is trying to get you killed
Greg : Ready, steady, go
Rowley : (follow the command)
Greg : No,no,no. You look like one of the seven dwarfs. You only need one strap. One strap is cool.
Rowley : But there’s two straps. Why would they put on two straps?
If you’re only supposed to use one?
Greg : Because the guys who make backpacks aren’t cool. If they were cool, the’d give it one strap. Like the cool one- strap guys do. You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what else? Electric guitars.
You know what else?
Rowley: Purses?
—~*~—
Rowley: But Joshie is cool.
Greg : Rowley, Joshie is not cool.
He’s a lip-synching pop star whose fans are eight-year-old girls.
Rowley : You’re just jealous that i was the one who discovered him.
Greg : Who are you gonna listen to, Rowley? Me or Joshie?
Rowley : Joshie says to respect your parents and follow your dreams.
Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot.
—~*~—
Greg : You actually almost look as good as me. Am I great at this or what?
There’s Bryce Anderson. Just be cool. Hey Bryce.
Rowley : Yeah, Hey, Bryce. Cute butt!
Greg : You’re killing me, you know that?
Look rowley, tonight is halloween, our favourite night of the year
So, just promise me you won’t wear, do or say anything weird.
—~*~—
Greg : You’re kidding me right?
Rowley : My mom wanted me to be visible at night.
Greg : From space?
—~*~—
Greg : So, we’ll hit a few houses on the way to the north side, Which is where we’ll do most of our trick-or treating.
Rowley : Why are we going all the way over there?
Greg : It’s where the rich people live. T
hey hand out, like, two, three peces of big candy to each kid.
Not that candy corn crap.
I’m taliking about full-size milky ways and nutter butters.
Plus, if we time it right, rich people get tired of answering their doors
and just leave the bowl out. We can clean up.
Rowley : Wow, you’re lucky. My mom doesn’t let me play with makeup anymore.
Rodrick: Shut up, tool. Loded diper’s got a gig tonight. Hmm.. Going to the northside, huh? Takes you right past the devil worshiper woods.
Greg : The devil worshiper woods?
Rodrick : You know about that story, right?
Well, there used to be this house right here where these woods are.
They had to tear it down because what happened there was so terrible.
Rowley : What happened there?
Rodrick : Well, a long time ago, two kids who were, I don’t know. Maybe in middle school They trick-or-treated at that house on Halloween night.
But the house was full of devil worshipers, who put the kids in these giant pizza ovens. And they cooked them and they ate them. But they forget to turn off the ovens.
So the house burned down with everyone in it.
Rowley : How’d the trees get there?
Rodrick : And then they planted trees.
Rowley : Oh
Rodrick : And to this Halloween night,
You can still hear the demomic laughter of the devil worshiper ghosts.
As they roam the woods, looking for more kids to sacrifice!
Frank : Hey, Rodrick. I need you to help me out. Like.. are you wearing eyeliner?
Kids : Trick or treat!
Frank : Susan!
Susan : I’m on door duty!
Girl : Thank you.
Manny : Bubby!
Greg : Mom, can you tell him to stop calling me like that? How if somebody hears?
Susan : Then they’ll know how much he loves you. Frank, Frank, honey, honey, can you go with them?
Frank : No, I can’t. I got to guard the house. In case someone tries to T.P. us. They’re gonna get drenched from the roof.
Susan : Honey, for goodness sakes, don’t do that again.
Remember what happened last year?
FLASHBACK
Frank : I got you!
COMEBACK
Frank : I thought they were teenagers. And I couldn’t see through the bushes.
My legs, they hurt from the squatting.
So, that’s why I’m doing it from the roof this year. So I can see when they’re coming
Greg : Can we go now?
Susan : Yes, go but stay in the neighborhood.
Kids : Treak or treat!
Susan : And no northside.
Greg : We promise
Greg : We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.
Rowley : That guy gave me two full-size snickers!
Greg : Did I tell you or did I tell you?
These people have money to burn!
Rowley : I can’t believe we got this much candy.
Greg : This is, like the best day ever.
Carter : Hey, reflector dude, nice costumes!
Rowley : Thanks! My mom made it..
Carter : Oh, that was awesome!
Greg : I saw you plates! We’re calling the cops! Uh-oh
Rowley : Oh, boy.
Greg : Run!
Carter : Hey, they are going through the yard!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Rowley : Where are we going? We’re totally exposed!
Greg : My grandma’s house!
Rowley : Quickly! They are coming! Hello?
Greg : That’s not helping! She’s not home! bingo night.
Carter : Okay, you guys are deads.
Rowley : Open the door! Get the key!
Greg : Okay. Okay.
Rowley : Open the door! Get it!
Carter : Come on, Lets get them, boys.
Rowley : They are coming! Now!
Carter : Oh I got you now!
Pete : Hey, hey! Come on, you babies!
I’m gonna kick your butts!
Greg : Yeah? You and what army?
Carter : Whatever.
Pete : You guys are so lucky hide in there behind your mommy!
Rowley : No, we aren’t! It’s not our house!
It’s his grandma’s and she’s not even home!
Greg : What? Why would you tell them that?
Carter : Did he just say that?
Rowley : Oops
Greg : Now they’re never gonna leave. You need to call your mom to get us.
Mine’ll kill me if she knows we’re here.
Rowley : Mine will, too. She thinks you’re bad influence. She’s right.
Greg : Then we’re gonna have to bust out of here.
—~*~—
Pete : You have three?
Carter : Go fish! Hey what’s that?
Greg : Just back off! I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just want to walk away and forget this ever happened . Nobody needs to be an hero!
Pete : (silent) Are you kidding me?
I’m gonna rip off your arms and punch you in the face with your own fists!
Rowley : They are gaining!
Greg : This way!
Rowley : The devil worshiper woods! No way!
Pete : Hey! Stay right there! We’re gonna get you!
Carter : They’re going into the woods.
No, no way I go into devil worshiper woods. Uh-uh
Pete : This isn’t over!
—~*~—
Rowley : I’m really scared!
Greg : Just keep running!
Rowley : Did you hear that? It’s the devil worshipers.
Rowley and Greg : scream loudly and run!
Fregley : Guys!
—~*~—
Rowley : Are we safe?
Greg : Yeah. And we made it with still a ton of candy.
Frank : Sorry. I was.. I thought you were teenagers.
Boy : Maybe next year, pops!
Frank : Hey!
—~*~—
TELEVISION SCHOOL : so anyone else exhibiting symptoms of pink eye. Should contact the nurse immediately. In field trp news. Consent forms are going out today for our annual history of plumbing excursion. In sport news..
Bryce : (speaking pig latin)
Collin : (laughing) yeah.
Greg : Are they talking about me?
Rowley : I don’t know. I don’t speak Russian.
TELEVISION SCHOOL :.. and finally, some positions have opened up for the safety patrol. If anyone is interested, see Mr. Winsky after homeroom.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. Safety patrol. The cops of middle school. You boss people around, reports the jerks, and miss class three times a week.
Mr. Winsky : Safety patrol is a sacred trust.
When you put it on this vest and that badge you become a protector of the weak. You become enforcer of the laws of this school,
Because today’s literer and jaywalker,
Is tomorrow’s window breaker and graffiti vandal. And it’s our job to stop it. So I ask you, are you up for the job?
Greg and Rowley : Yes!
Mr. Winsky : then welcome to safety patrol.
Just remember, with great power.. (showing the costume)
Greg and Rowley: Whoa…
Mrs. Winsky : .. comes great responsibility.
Now, you get your first assignment just after lunch, So you’ll be excused from the first 20 minutes of sixth period.
Rowley : But that means we’ll miss algebra.. ouch! ( Greg steps on his foot)
Greg : Do we get free stuff?
—~*~—
Greg : Free hot cocoa. Could this day get any better?
Collin: Whoa, is that cocoa?
Greg : Sorry, safety patrol only
Rowley: Sorry
—~*~—
Angie : You rejected the scool paper, but you joined the safety patrol?
Look, are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?
Greg : What?
Angie : Look, safety patrol is the lowest of the low, the geekiest of the geeky,
the island of misfit toys.
Greg : You’re just jealous they don’t trust you to keep our school safe.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to secure the perimeter.
—~*~—
SAFETY PATROL DUTY
Kids : I’m hungry,
Greg : Keep it straight, people. single-file line, one by one
Rowley : Greg! It’s those guys from halloween! What do we do?
Pete : Come on, man, just pull my finger.
I swear to God, I’m not gonna do anything.
Greg : Everybody, shoulder to shoulder. Shoulder to shoulder.
Go. Go!
Carter : Whoa, Whoa,
Rowley : That was close.
Greg : Too close
It’s times like these that make me realize Rowley’s pretty lucky to have me as a friend.
Rowley : And I got twisted wizard two and a new bike! And we’re going to take a family trip to New York city for New Year’s Eve! What did you get?
Greg : My dad got me a weight-lifting set.
Do you know how many video games I could’ve gotten instead?
I had to get out of there before jhe expected me to, like, use it.
Anyway, let’s play some twisted wizard two at you house.
Rowley : Probably not a good idea. My dad is still annoyed at you
Greg : For what?
Rowley : Remember that secret language we made up last week?
FLASH BACK
Greg : Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa.
COMEBACK
Rowley : I think he cracked our code
Greg : We should probably do something outside
Rowley: Why can’t you ride and I throw at you first?
Greg : My legs kind of hurt from walking over here. (Throw ball to Rowley)
Greg : Okey rowley, come on. Get up. Shake it off
Greg : Are you sure the doctor was right?
It really didn’t look that broken to me.
Rowley : Yeah, it’s broken. the x-ray never lies.
Shelly: Oh, my gosh. What happened?
Rowley : I broke it
Girl 2 : How?
Rowley : Big wheel accident.
Shelly : You are funny (giggling)
Girl 2 : Can i sign your cast?
Shelly : Me too.
Rowley: Why, sure
Greg : Hey, I’m the one who broke his hand
Shelly : Then you are a jerk!
Girl 3 : Does it hurt?
—~*~—
Shelly : Rowley, you are so funny.
After I stood I couldn’t believe it! Rowley was eating at an actual table because of something I did! Where is my credit?and he’s right handed! He can feed himself just fine.
Angie : So, how’s that class favourite thing working out for you?
Greg : Great.
I realized Rowley’s injury thing was a pretty good racket.
Greg : Hey guys. Check it out.
Shelly : Oh my gosh, what happened?
Greg : It’s a raging infection caused by a splinter that was left untreated
want to be the first to sign my symphaty sheet?
Shelly : no
Fregley : I will sign it Greg Heffley, if you’d let me look at your infection
—~*~—
Rowley : And on the x-ray, you could see where the bone snapped right in half.
Collin : I had the exact same break last year, and it got all purple!
Rowley : Cool! Mine, too!
Chirag : Hey Gregory, want to sign the card?
Greg : You got rowley a card?
Chirag : what? No. This is for Bryan Little
You know, the guy who writes the wacky dwag cartoons for the school paper? He has mono and he’s going to be out for three months.
Greg : That really stinks. so just out of curiousity, who’s gonna do the cartoon?
Chirag : They’re having try outs, but the important thing is Bryan gets better
Greg : Absolutely
Bryan litlle getting mono was Destiny. I draw cartoons all the time. I’m gonna win this.
I decided to go ahead and forgive Rowley for milking the broken hand so hard and I told him he could work on the cartoon with me.
Rowley: so i was thinking we could do something like this!
Oops, I stepped in a puddle!, at least it’s not an acid puddle.
Oy,oy,oy! It is an acid puddle! Zoo- wee-mama! Zoo-wee mama!
Greg : It’s the same joke everytime.
Rowley : Yeah! Zoo-wee mama!
Greg : We can’t just do the same thing over and over.
Rowley : we can if it’s zoo-wee mama.
Greg : Tt has to be more sophisticated.
(Drawing Creighton) I wonder what is in this cute little box.
(Drawing cartoon of Creighton’s friend) It is not a box, It’s a brick, you dumb moron.
(Drawing Creighton) oops! I’ve been trying to open it all day!
Rowley : Can he say ‘zoo-wee Mama’?
Greg : No, it’s not funny
Rowley : Oh, well I think it is. I like zoo-wee mama
Greg : You know what, if you like it so much, then why don’t you go do it yourself?
Rowley; Okay, i will. see you
—~*~—
Greg; Hey I forgot my raincoat, so i’m gonna need you to walk the kids home today
Rowley : i cant, i can’t get my cast wet. You can borrow my coat
—~*~—
Kids : Where’s Rowley?
Greg : He couldn’t get his cast wet!
Kids : He walks us better.
Greg : (Realize there is carter and pete) Oh no!
Oh, my gosh! Space monsters!
They are going to eat us, unless we can get into that hole!
Come on, people, move it! Now, people! We’re gonna get eaten!
Come on! Don’t worry! I’m right behind you!
Kids : Whoa!
Mrs. Irvine: Hey! Rowley Jefferson, is that you?
Greg : Yes, Mrs. Irvine! Sorry, kids!
MRSS. IRVINE COMES TO THE KIDS
Kids : Are you going to eat us?
—~*~—
SCHOOL TELEVISION : and though doctors assure us that Mrs. Cheznik is no longer contagious, the cafetaria nachos bar will be closed for the raemainder of the week. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for. The faculty, student council and editors have all met and selected the new cartoonist for the school paper. And the winner is.. “zoo-wee mama” by Rowley Jefferson! (all student cheering)
Greg : what?
SCHOOL TELEVISION : That is funny!
Students : Great job. Zoo-wee mama.
I couldn’t believe it. Am I the only one who gets comedy?
Girl1 : Rowley will you put me on your cartoon?
Rowley: Sure
Girl2 : And me too, i want to be the one who says “zoo-wee mama”
Rowley : You got it
Angie : Hey, Rowley, congratulations.
Rowley : Thanks.
Angie : No problem. You know, I read all the
submissions and yours was by far the best. I read yours, too.
Bryce : Hey Rowley
Rowley : Hey, bryce.
Greg : Yeah, hey, Bryce.
Bryce : Hey, Fellow
Rowley : Wow. Everyone knows me now.
It;s like I’m famous! Isn’t this great?
Greg : Yeah.
Mr. Winsky : Rowley Jefferson?
I need to see you in my office, now.
Mr. Winsky : I just took a call from mrs. Irvine about what happened to the kindergarten Last week. She was very upset and so am I.
Rowley : What?
Mr. Winsky : You violated the sacred trust.
This.. this badge is supposed to mean something, and you just spat on it.
I can barely even look at you.
Rowley : Ireally don’t…
Mr. Winsky : Just save it.
You are officially suspended from safety patrol. And I expect a full apology to the kindergarteners.
Rowley : Yes, sir.
Greg : Hey. What did he heve to say?
Rowley : I’m kicked off. I don’t even know what he’s talking about.
Greg : Rowley?
Rowley : What?
Greg : Nothing.
—~*~—
Susan : You’ve been home for an hour and haven’t badgered me for any snacks.
Are you feeling okay?
Greg : Well i’m kind of in a tough situation. I know something. And if I tell the truth about it, it could hurt somebody. But if I don’t, it could hurt somebody else.
Susan : Well, you have to trust your gut and try to do the right thing,
Because it’s our choices that make us who we are. Okay
I was up all night. Tossing and turning thinking about my mom’s advice. And i finally decided to do the right thing.
Rowley : I’m sorry I terrorized you, children.
Kids : What?
I decided to let Rowley take one for the team. But I’m not entirely sure that was the right call.
—~*~—
Greg : Hey, What is going?
Rowley : Well, I was pretty upset being suspended from safety patrol,
but then I just started drawing a bunch of zoo-wee mamas. And I felt better.
Look. I put you in this week’s cartoon.
And you even get to say “zoo-wee mama”
Greg : Wow. That’s really nice.
So listen. It’s kind of funny, you know, the whole safety patrol thing.
Rowley : Yeah?
Greg : Ready for the funny part? Well, I’m the one who terrorized those kids!
Rowley : What?
Greg : Yeah, and I think we can both learn some valuable lessons from this.
Like, I should be more careful what Ido in front of Mrs. Irvine’s house.
And you, well, you should be more careful who you lend you coat to.
Rowley : You know what, Greg? You’re not a good friend.
Greg : Whoa.How could you even say that? I’m a great friend.
Rowley : If you were a gret friend, you would have told Mr. Winsky the truth.
Greg : Okay, one thing. You can’t get mad about just..
Rowley : You only care about yourself. You hated my cartoon. You made fun of my clothes. You disrespected Joshie.
You broke my hand and you didn’t even seem sorry.
Greg : That broken hand was the best thing that ever happened to you!
Rowley: Don’t call me. Don’t come by my house. We’re done.
Greg : (silent)
I thought the whole thing would blow over. But Rowley was still giving me the silent treatment. Even when I tried to make the first move.
Rowley : So, anyway, I was so angry at him, I didn’t know what to say.
—~*~—
Mr. Winsky : One of the kindergarteners finally told their parents the whole story. Greg? You’re relieved of your duties, effective immediately.
Rowley, for showing dignity under false suspicion, I am promoting you
To team captain.
Now, that’s a position that I held for two years. I know you’ll honor it.
—~*~—
Collin : Hey, Rowley, my mom says it’s okay for me to sleep over tonight.
Rowley : Awesome!
The whole thing with Rowley is, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. But then he made friends with Collinjust to mess with me. As if I even care if he.. well, you know what?two can play at that game.
—~*~—
Rowley :There’s no goiNg back, sergeant. I need to board the helicopter.
Do you have my back?
Collin : I will always have your back, captain.
—~*~—
Greg : Hey
Fregley : Hey Greg Heffely.
Greg : So i was thinking maybe you might want to have a sleepover?
Fregley : Ya? With Who?
Greg : Me
Fregley : Ya. when?
Greg : Now
Fregley: Greg Heffley, I love you.
We can be bestfriends forever.
Greg : Okey let’s get inside
Fregley: (follows Greg)
—~*~—
Fregley : I can’t believe it! Greg Heffley’s in my room! Greg Heffley’s in my room, Rebecca. What do you want to do, Greg Heffley? How about twister?
Greg : I’m not really that much of a twister guy.
Fregley : Candy!
Greg : Wait, no,no,no! Fregley, come on! Really! I really think we should save those for later!
Maybe we should go outside and …..
Fregley : (ignoring request) My mom doesn’t let me have sugar.
She says high glucose in my diet induces hyperactivity.
But it’s so good! Oh, Greg Heffley, you want to jumpety-jump?
Greg : Yeah, you know what, Fregley? I just remembered, I have an appointment a really important appointment.
It’s a homework appointment. Yeah, and I really should be going.
Get away from me!
Fregley : I can fly. Whoa. How fun, Greg Heffley! Greg? Greg, Greg, Greg, I hear you breathing, Greg Heffley. Okay, enough. I’ll show Rowley I don’t need him. When he sees me in the yearbook as most talented, he’s gonna come running back.
Mrs. Flint : Okay since there are so many of you here auditioning, to save time,
we’re gonna do a group sing of one of my favourite songs.
Please refer to the lyrics on this handout. I will pick out the best voices and place you accordingly.
Mrs. Flint : Greg Heffley, what a lovely soprano voice you have. I’m stunned!
Maybe you should be Dorothy!
Greg : No, no, I can’t be..
Patty : No! Greg Heffley was suspended from the school safety patrol!
How can you trust him with the lead role in the play?
He can’t be Dorothy! I’m Dorothy!
Mrs. Flint : All right, Patty, calm down.
Patty : I’m Dorothy! I am!
My mother is the president of the PTA. She can ruin your life!
Mrs. Flint : Just an idea.
All right, well, Greg, your voice is too high for any of the other male roles.
Perhaps you can be a tree!
Greg : A tree? No way.
Chirag : The trees get to throw apples at Patty Farrell. Haven’t you seen the movie?
—~*~—
Greg : Wait, we don’t get arm holes?
How are we gonna throw apples at Dorothy without arm holes?
Mrs Flint : You don’t need arm holes because nobody’s throwing any apples.
We’re not doing the movie. In my version the trees sing. These my dear.
Archie : My tooth! I think I knocked out my tooth!
Mrs. Flint : Perhaps we should cut out some arm holes.
Girl : Is he okay?
Greg : You think?
—~*~—
PLAY IS ON
Susan : Isn’t this exciting? Your son’s in a play.
Frank : Yeah, sure. It’s not wrestling but..
But at least it’s something.
Patty : Come on, Toto. Let us explore this magical path!
Chirag : (barking)
GREG GET OUT WITH TREE COSTUMES
Manny : Bubby! Bubby! Bubby!
Greg : Hey, Bubby, I think you dropped an apple.
Archie : Huh?
—~*~—
Greg : (stop singing)
Mrs Flint : From Yonder land. Wish her Joy through Journey’s end!
Patty : Sing! Sing!
Greg : (silent)
Patty : Come on greg heffley, stop ruining the play like you ruin everything else!
Don’t make me come over to you and bet you up again!
Fank : What’d you think? I thought he was the best one up there.
Greg : Hi, mom. Hi, dad. You know I’m..
Frank : I thought Dorothy deserved it.
Greg : Thanks dad!
Frank : You got some good shots in there.
—~*~—
Rodrick : Look what I found in the trash. Guess you threw it away by accident.
Greg: Give it back rodrick!
Rodrick: No way, you want it?
Come and get it then! Come on!
Susan : Okey boy! Okeey!!
Rodrick : It is for you.
Susan : It’s an invitation for the mother and son sweetheart dance.
Rodrick : I knew you didn’t want to miss that.
Susan : It looks like alot of fun.
Frank : I think you should go. I think it’d be a lot of fun.
Fun? that’s the exact opposite of fun! this entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares! My family, my bestfriend. Well, i’m sick of it. Somebody needs to pay.
—~*~—
Greg : Okey manny, i ‘m putting this tootstie roll in rodrick’s bagpack.
It is for rodrick, so whatever you do, don’t touch the tootsie roll.
Susan : Greg? Coaster. Where’s he.. Manny? Where did you get that?
Greg : Oh, my. That’s offensive.
—~*~—
Susan : Rodrick? Rodrick! I need to talk to you inside! Now!
Rodrick : Go ahead and talk. We’re a band and we have no secrets.
Susan : Okey, fine. What is this?
Rodrick : It’s not mine.
Susan : It was in your backpack.
Rodrick : No, it was in my room.
Susan : Does owning this magazine make you better person?
Rodrick : No
Susan : Did it make you more popular att school?
Rodrick : Yeah (giggling) No
Susan : How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine?
Rodrick : Ashamed!
Band mate : Nice!
Susan : Do you have anything you wanna say to women for having owned this offensive magazine?
Rodrick : I’m sorry, women
Susan : You’re grounded for two weeks.
Rodrick : Okay, settle down, Susan! I think one week is plenty!
Susan : Make it four weeks and I’m gonna need the keys to your van!
Rodrick : My van?
Greg : Yeah! Yeah.
Rowley (on the phone) : Hello? Hello?
—~*~—
Susan : Look at this place! Wanna dance?
Greg : Mom stop dancing, you are embarassing me.
Susan : Oh come on. I’m just keeping time to the music.
Greg : I’m begging you, please stop it.
Susan : Oh okey
Susan : Well, if we’re not here to dance, maybe you should go talk to Rowley.
I think it’s time you made up.
Greg : I can’t
Susan : Sweetheart, he’s your bestfriend. And sometimes, when somebody’s worth it, You just have to put yourself out there.
Greg : I wouldn’t know what to say.
Susan : Well, I could go for an ice cream after dance. Maybe you could invite him to join us.
Greg : Thanks mom
Susan : Yeah.
—~*~—
Greg : Hey rowley
Rowley : Hey
Greg : So, want to go get some ice cream after?
Collin : I’m sorry we already have plans
Rowley : Yeah, we do
Greg : Oh, fine. My mom wanted me to ask so I did. I didn’t even wanna go.
Susan : Well? Honey, I’m sorry.
—~*~—
Rowley : So i left my racing game at your house and collin is sleeping over tonight so, I need it back
Greg : What? no way
Finder is keeper,
Rowley : You didn’t find it, i left it
Greg : Fine then leaver is looser.
Rowley : That’s not even a real thing.
Greg : It is if I say it is
Rowley : It’s my game.
Greg : Do you know what?
You wouldn’t even have that game if I hadn’t told you about it.
You wouldn’t have the stuff you without me.
Rowley : Yeah, like a broken hand!
Greg : That was a million years ago.
Rowley : It clicks now! Hear that? Click,click,click,click And it’s all your fault!
Greg : It was an accident!
Patty : Kick his butt, Rowley! It’s easy.
Guys, Greg and Rowley are gonna fight. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
GREG AND ROWLEY START FIGHTING
Patty : Come on, what’s wrong with you guys? Start punching!
Greg : You start it.
Rowley : You start it!
Greg : No, you! Quit copying me!
Patty : This has got to be the worst fight ever! Do something!
—~*~—
Pete : Well, well,well look who have here. You’re so freaking dead.
All you huys better scram or I’m gonna kick your butts, too!
Not you two.
You guys have no idea what I’m gonna do to you.
Carter : Oh, um. What are we gonna do?
Pete : I don’t know. We need to move this along. My shift at Cinnabon start in half an hour. I know what we’re gonna do. Give me the wide one.
That’s you, let’s go. Pick it up.
Rowley : But..
Pete : Pick it up. Now eat it.
Rowley : No!
Pete : Eat it or i’ll shove the entire thing down your throat.
I don’t even want to say exactly what happened because if Rowley ever tries to run for president and someone finds out what these guys made him do, He won’t have a chance.
Pete : Now you.
Greg : But I’m allergic to dairy! I’ll die and then you’ll go to jail! And..
Mr. Malone : Hey! What are you doing on school property?
Pete : Go, go, go!
Carter : Shotgun!
Mr. Malone : Pete Hosey, is that you?
You boys okay? Yeah?? All right.
Patty : Out of my way! Out of my way!
Oh, my God. Rowley Jefferson ate
Greg : I ate that cheese! Yeah. I eat it. And you know what, people? I just did you all a huge favor. I ate the cheese to show you all how stupid this whole school is. The wrong friends. The wrong lunch table. The wrong butt? It’s all meaningless. Just like this cheese. I know it. You all know it. So come on. Everyone else who’s sick of it, step forward and join me!
Patty : Cheese toch! Greg Heffley had the Cheese touch!
All : Run!
Boy : He’s got the cheese touch!
Angie : Not bad Heffley, Not bad at all.
Greg : So you wanna come over after school and play?
Rowley : Ya, okay.
—~*~—
Patty : Here’s your yearbook. Have a great Summer,
Girl : Thanks
Patty : Here’s your yearbook. Have a great Summer, You’re not in it that much.
Maybe try to get out there little next year.
Angie : You know what, Patty? One day middle school will end and become high school. And after that, it just becomes life. And all those things you think are important now won’t be anymore.
Patty : You wish. As if!
Handing it you is like touching you and I am too smart to touch somebody who ate the cheese. Rowleeyy!
Have a great summer! Stay cool.
Greg : Yep, you’re way too smart for me, Patty Farrel.
So the year turned pretty good. My goal was to be a class favourite, and I made it. Even if it wasn’t exactly the way I planned it.
Rowley : Zoo-wee mama!
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